Looking through the UCLA catalog trying to figure out a way to weasel out of my latest D-minus, I stumbled across a real jewel of academia. There is actually a graduate program, here on our campus, called library science. Now, without bothering to actually research the program (and possibly forsaking the comic potential), I will attempt to relay the import of this discovery to you.
First of all, does this really need to be a graduate program? As far as I can remember, every librarian with whom I have ever come in contact has been a socially inept housewife who needs a little extra income to help out around the homestead.
Other than an uncanny ability to impede potential hoopla and merrymaking, I don't understand why these overzealous school marms need to attend a professional school, and thus be equated with scientists, doctors and lawyers. I don't even think you need a GED to successfully put books on shelves. Hell, a properly trained monkey with a fancy hat could probably do that.
Secondly, what could these people possibly be learning for such a long period of time? I can't imagine the Dewey Decimal System taking more than a day to master. And what then? How to requisition books and donations from private institutions without annoying people? That's another day at most. Come on, what could be the most serious issue facing a librarian? How best to maximize profits from overdue fees? If you overcharge, nobody will go overdue. If you undercharge, you won't make any money. Ooooh! We better start a graduate program to address this!
And why must this be a graduate school? What is there to learn that you couldn't easily pick up "on the streets?" It's not like we're training the leaders in cutting edge library methodology. Are these people developing theses regarding new and revolutionary decimal systems? I'm pretty sure Dewey has it covered.
Now, I understand that working at the Library of Congress might be kind of a drag, but that's only like 30 people. They could just take one of those mail-in courses, couldn't they? They could pick up gun repair while they're at it. Now that's a skill.
Library science?Science? There is not a single scientific thing about library science. Putting on a silly puppet show for kids doesn't exactly merit a Nobel Prize. They should call it library communications, or library sociology, or some other crackpot title. Please. Working in a library is about as scientific as phrenology or astrology, and certainly less so than making moonshine in a tub. And mind you, the program is accredited by the American Library Association. Hallelujah! God forbid we have librarians from DeVry or Brymon peddling their knowledge.
Now, I thought to myself that maybe I was being overly harsh, so I decided to look into the program. Word for word, this is the official description of the master's in library science:
"At UCLA, the MLIS program provides students with a blend of conceptual and theoretical knowledge and practical experience. In the classroom, students acquire a solid foundation in contemporary library and information science theory, information seeking and retrieval skills, and information technology expertise."
Take a moment to read that again. "Theoretical knowledge?" What is that? "Information seeking skills?" I rest my case.
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